How to Accept a Close Friend's Sexual Orientation

How to Accept a Close Friend's Sexual Orientation
edits by:Katie R., Rob S, Flickety, Sondra C (see all)
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This article covers a very important topic in today's society. Gay men, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered people are getting more exposure than ever before, yet people still find themselves not knowing how to react when someone they care about comes out to them. This is our hypothetical situation: someone you know has come out to you and you are not sure how to accept it. Here's how to gradually accept your friend or relative.
Contents

1 Steps
2 Tips
3 Warnings
4 Related wikiHows
5 Sources and Citations
EditSteps

1
Relax for a minute. Take a deep breath and remember what you thought and felt about your friend before he or she confided in you: what were the qualities about this person that you liked or admired? Why or how did you become friends? Remember that your friend still possesses all of those qualities. Or, if this is a relative, it's not just blood that binds you, right? It's also who this person is inside that you love, and that person has not changed at all.

2
Avoid becoming fixated on sex. There is enough talk about sex in the media and everywhere else. Homosexuality is not defined by the mere act of sexual activity with someone of the same sex. It is the internal, intrinsic orientation of the person. Try to personalize it: are you, a straight person, constantly thinking of sexual contact and sexual activity? Okay, so maybe you think about it a lot. But it isn't the only defining thing about you, right? Maybe you're an athlete, an artist, a movie buff, a father, a daughter, a cousin - these are all the things that make up you. Your identity is not just about who you're attracted to or sleep with.

3
Put yourself in your friend's position. Think about what you would do if you lived in a world where heterosexuality seemed strange, where it was not the norm. Now consider what your friend faces each and every day: he or she must find ways to exist and thrive in a society which sees him or her as out of place. It can make your friend feel lonely and isolated. LGBT people have to edit themselves constantly to avoid having confrontations, making people uncomfortable, or seeming unprofessional. Having a friend to count on, with whom he or she can be truly real and open, would be a tremendous blessing.

4
Talk about it as long as you need to and listen to your friend. Talking it out can help you process your feelings and attitudes about it, and it can help you make up your mind about how to deal with it from a position of understanding and knowledge. Respect your friend's limits. If he or she doesn't want to talk anymore or not right now, let it go, and ask again later if there is something you feel you really need to know.

5
Trust your friend to respect your friendship. In some cases, your first instinct may be to think, "Hey - just don't try anything with me." It's a kneejerk response, and you should try to relax about it. Your friend will not necessarily put the moves on you. Again, think: Do you put the moves on everyone of the opposite sex? Of course you don't; neither will your friend. However, that's not to say your friend would never develop feelings for you. If that should happen, once again, trust your friendship, simply tell him or her that you are straight, and stand by that - and do not waver from that. You may find yourself feeling flattered that your friend is attracted to you, and become curious. Even if you wish to experiment or dabble with a bisexual encounter, never indulge your curiosity - that is taking advantage of your friendship. See the warnings and tips below for more on this.

6
Accept that change is not an option. Research shows that sexual orientation is heavily influenced by genetics
[citation needed]
. So-called "therapies" most often rely on 'aversion conditioning' in combination with drugs. This generally has the effect of suppressing personality and free will, along with suppressing the urge for sex (of any kind, usually). It may be possible to convince an LGBT person that he or she is no longer gay - for a while. However, the recidivism rate is staggering, and when the so-called "former gay" returns to his or her original orientation, there may be a spouse and perhaps even children caught in the devastating wake of the failure of the treatment. Acceptance and compassion are far more beneficial than attempts to re-direct a person's sexual orientation.[1][2][3][4][5][6]

7
Support your friend when you are needed most. He or she trusts you enough to reveal a very deeply personal part of him/herself to you. Even if you disapprove initially, don't take this trust lightly. If you were in a car accident while doing something your friend would have disapproved of, would he or she have automatically abandoned you? At the very least, receive the news with calm, consider it carefully as you talk it through, and then reflect on it. If you eventually decide that you cannot maintain the friendship, tell your friend. Even if you disapprove, your friend deserves your careful, thoughtful consideration. Just remember you are important enough to your friend that he or she exposed themselves to you.

8
Keep your friend's confidence. Even after all this reflection, if you feel like you can't deal with this and still maintain a friendship, remember the history you had as friends and be respectful of your friend's privacy, even though you have decided to sever the relationship. It's not necessary to broadcast the reasons you decided to let the friendship go when you speak with others - simply say "we were in different places in our lives, and we've drifted apart."
EditTips

If your friend should confess that he or she has feelings for you, or is attracted to you, don't make a big deal of it. There are very few people who are unable or unwilling to accept an answer of "I'm flattered, but I'm straight." Frankly, the most common reason these situations get out of control or go bad is when the so-called "straight" decides to work out his or her curiosity with the gay friend. That is a bad idea. If you're curious, go meet someone else to experiment with. Do not do it with your friend, especially if he or she expresses some feelings outside of friendship for you. Nobody likes being used. Keep things clear and open, and don't dabble with your buddy. Of course, if it turns out you really do have some feelings for your friend, talking it out with him or her can really help - it may be that your friend is willing to take the chance with you. But definitely, you should make it very clear that you are interested in experimenting because of your very deep feelings, and that you are not sure where those feelings will lead, if anywhere. Be as honest as you know how.

Hugs usually work. If you don't know what to say, sometimes just a kind touch will let your friend know you're in his or her corner. Think of a time when you were telling someone something really important they may not have fully understood: like you were moving out of the house for the first time, or you were breaking up with someone, or you were engaged. Even if the person you were talking to didn't approve or was confused by what you were saying, a simple hug, that says "I'm here for you" could work wonders.

Talking also helps iron out what you don't understand. The last thing you want to do if you don't understand something is to leave it a mystery. Ask questions and you will get answers. But do remember that your friend is just one individual and can't speak for all LGBT people - he or she will have an opinion, but it may not be a blanket answer for all LGBT folks. If your friend doesn't seem to know answers to the questions you ask, then try to find them together.

Educate yourself: understanding the issues and the history of the LGBT community can make things easier to understand and eventually easier to accept. Some great resources include: glbthistory.org, glbtcommunity.com and Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

If your friend is dating someone, meet that person. This shows you have genuine interest in your friend's life. Also, meeting your friend's significant other will give you the opportunity to meet others like your friend, which may help you gain more of an understanding for the way your friend feels.

Find a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) group in your area, they are a great source of support. Many local high schools and colleges now have organizations that are supportive of gay and bisexual men and women, and transgender people. Not only can these groups help you find compassion and understanding for your friend, they can also help you by giving you a new peer group who can truly relate and support what you are going through in the wake of your loved one coming out.

If you are worried about him or her hitting on you relax. Most of the time they won't (other than in jest). If they do just politely tell them no thanks like a member of the opposite gender that you have no interest in.

Remember, how you react says more about you than it does your friend. If you have negative feelings about your friend's orientation, feel uncomfortable or challenged in any way, take some time to sit and think about how you are feeling and what beliefs you have that make you feel this way. Address these issues by seeking out someone to talk to, finding information or getting some support. Take responsibility for yourself, your feelings and your beliefs.
EditWarnings

Take the time to process the news before you react too strongly. The way you feel about this news today may seem really overblown tomorrow. Even if your initial reaction is negative, try to simply take the revelation in for now. Today, simply absorb and process. Tomorrow or the day after that, you will have gained new perspective on the entire issue.

Avoid the temptation to trivialize, criticize, or demean your friend, or to insist that he or she will "get over it." It's not a phase.

Don't hit on your friend, or send mixed signals. It's not cool to flirt with your gay friend just because you feel safe doing it, unless it's clearly a joke and everyone watching understands that. Your friend is not your personal toy, and you shouldn't use him or her as a plaything.
EditRelated wikiHows

How to Come Out As Gay or Lesbian
How to Come Out As a Gay or Lesbian Teen
How to Accept That You Are Gay
How to Know if You Are Gay
How to Understand Gay and Lesbian People
How to Defend Traditional Marriage
How to Tell if Your Best Friend Is Lesbian
How to Learn to Accept a Gay Marriage
How to Decline an Invitation to a Gay Wedding for Religious Reasons
How to Defend Your Views on Gay Rights
EditSources and Citations

A guide to dealing with people who come out
PFLAG
↑ U.S. Surgeon General - Call to action to promote sexual health and responsible sexual behavior
↑ The American Medical Association - Policy Number H-160.991 - Health Care Needs of the Homosexual Population
↑ The American Psychiatric Association - COPP Position Statement on Therapies Focused on Attempts to Change Sexual Orientation (Reparative or Conversion Therapies)
↑ The American Psychological Association - Resolution on Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation
↑ Journal of Gay & Lesbian Psychotherapy - Haworth Medical Press, Volume 7, Issue 1, pages 55-73. Date accessed: 2007-10-13
↑ Royal College of Psychiatrists - Special Interest Group Report - Report limited to the origins of sexuality and the psychological and social well being of lesbian, gay and bisexual people.
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Last edited:
June 2, 2011 by Emarose
Categories:
Featured Articles | LGBT | Articles in Need of Sources
Thanks to all the authors for contributing: Katie R., Rob S, Flickety, Sondra C, Lorraine Simonis, Carmine, Trackstar24, Emperor Penguin, DavidScottWarren, Krystle, Samuel, Kmpurvis, Jonathan E., Travis Derouin, Foxglove, Benn, Mason Michael, Viral, Monica, Maluniu, KnowItSome, KnоwΙtSome, Jack Herrick, D rae, BR, Puddy, Benwa, Webster, OhioMike, Lois Wade, Wingrider, Kieranh2, Dleon, Spyagent, Harri, NOTaLesbian, Duane P, Cece, Emma Rose (see all)
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